Cruise (out of) Control

This whole Suri Cruise obsession the media has is creeping me out. Sure it's kind of odd Tom and Katie haven't pimped out their newborn the way they shilled their courtship and pregnancy, but DAMN, the press is acting like the kid is the Second Coming--or something more sinister (see image above).

The wire services even ran a story about Leah Remini, "King of Queens" star and a fellow Scientologist, saying she's seen Suri. I saw my cousin's baby--is that front page news?

"She's a beaming baby," the 36-year-old actress tells People magazine in its July 31 issue. "She looks like Tom and Katie, she's just beautiful." Remini says she held Suri during a recent visit to the couple's home in Los Angeles.

Cruise and Holmes are "just great parents," Remini added. "There wasn't a second she was out of their arms except when I held her."

Um, I don't know what baby books Remini is reading, but holding your child every second is not good parenting. Its borderline psychotic behavior.

AARGH!

Tuned In June 30, 2006

SHOOT FIRST

The clueless cops of Reno 911! are back for more
It'll be a fine day for law enforcement when RENO 911! returns to Comedy Central for a fourth season, July 9 at 10:30pm. Several key cliffhangers will be resolved in the season premiere, including if Wiegel's husband Craig (a.k.a. the Truckee River Killer) was executed by the state and whether Dangle and Garcia froze to death. What else can we expect from these keystone kops? Future episodes feature Jonesy and Kimball attending a Christian Karaoke mixer and Dangle accepting a wedding invitation from an unexpected source. The queer commander and his rag-tag posse will also be heading to the big screen this fall, when Reno 911! Miami is expected to hit theaters. Lock and load people!

SUMMER'S GUILTY PLEASURES


Project Runway: Season 2 DVD ($40, Paramount): Extended episodes let you relive your crush on Daniel V. and revel in Santino's dementia. "Where's Andre!?"

Pants Off Dance Off (Fuse, late night): Hipster boys (and girls) strip to the hottest hits. Some are hot, some are just funny. Go to fuse.tv/pants for the naughty highlights.

Rescue Me (Tues. at 10pm, FX): It's like three seconds away from being the hottest gay porn ever.

here! TV on Time Warner Cable ($5.95/month): 24/7 gay television plus a bonus on-demand channel. Just call it Heyyyy-ch BO.


Mo'nique's Fat Chance (July 16, Oxygen): The plus-sized comedian hosts another big girl's beauty pageant.

As the World Turns (2pm, CBS): An ex-gay therapist, a homophobic dad, and a mom in traction? Queer Luke's plotline is heating up!

Kyle XY (8pm, ABC Family): We were hooked by the sexy ads for this clone story, which featured star Matt Dallas lifting his t-shirt to reveal...no bellybutton.

Big Love (HBO on Demand): Yeah, we had trouble getting into it too, but now we can't wait to catch the ones we missed. And is it us, or does eldest son Ben (Douglas Smith) give off a gay vibe?

Strangers with Candy Box Set ($54.95): All three seasons in a handy Trapper Keeper, plus interviews and a blooper reel that'll make you wet yourself.

GAY TV THIS WEEK

Sat, 1
Bridget Jones' Diary (9pm, NBC): James Callis co-stars as Tom, Bridget's gay confidant and advisor.

Sun, 2
Desperate Housewives (9pm, ABC): Bree's mother-in-law gets her in hot water while Lynette struggles with guilt over being a working mother.

Mon, 3
U.S. of ANT (10pm, Logo): the queer comedian meets the queers of Alabama, including a gay minister and lesbian construction worker. All they need is a tranny policeman!

Tues, 4
Boys Don't Cry (11pm, IFC): Her gripping portrayal of trans Midwesterner Brandon Teena nabbed Hillary Swank her first Oscar.

Wed, 5
The Trip (12pm, here!): Researching a book attacking homosexuality, a young writer meets—and falls for—an out and proud activist in 1970s California.

Thurs, 6
Chuck and Buck (4pm, Logo): Screenwriter Mike White stars as a stunted gay man still obsessed with his childhood friend.

Fri, 7
The Nomi Song (11:15am, Sundance): German-born New Yorker Klaus Nomi wowed the downtown crowd with his campy yet austere cabaret act.